Monday, December 10, 2007

the bear claw

It attacked me from behind, so to speak.

The buildup was fairly steady; there were no complications in the delivery, which was conveniently timed and effortlessly consummated; it had a soft, almost spongy texture and a subtle piquancy...yet, in its wake: a menacing formation...



...a bear claw.

Not to be confused with the pastry delight of the same name...this was more than some inanimate cluster with a coincidental likeness. I'd first believed this to be the gentle paw of some sort of aquatic bear, reaching out to tickle my clean-shaven ball sack...or then, perhaps lacerate it; as a savage, bloodthirsty beast would; and ostentatiously march it back to the darkened sewers of Horseheads from whence he came.

With irreplaceable (not to mention above average in both size and performance) assets dangling within his reach, I ultimately chose not to trust this unknown dweller of the deep and made a harsh, but instinctual move.



As you can see, he fought with every ounce of his life as I flushed the toilet. The claw marks left in the porcelain only hint at the potential damage that might've claimed my strapping (yet, given the circumstances: vulnerable) lady pleasurin' mega machine. Looking back, however...my genitals, ravishing as they are, should've been the least of my worries...for I might not have made it out of that Barnes & Noble bathroom alive. I was lucky.

I don't have any solutions to this problem, shall it surface again...as I, myself, have many questions left unanswered. My only advice for the next time you're squirtin' chunks is to keep one eye between the thighs...because you never know just when you'll have a close encounter of the turd kind.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

six-word record reviews

Gwen Stefani The Sweet Escape
An elaborate prank on gullible retards?

Coheed and Cambria No World For Tomorrow
Impenetrable sex shield for husky virgins.

Kanye West Graduation
Black music for white douche bags.

My Chemical Romance Black Parade
A rock opera without AIDS? Gay.

Ashlee Simpson I Am Me
Art is dead. Fat chicks rejoice.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

SWM seeks thickening agent for pee

When I was a boy, the sound of Doug Craven's pee stream was epic. It was loud, powerful, intimidating. It sent shivers down my spine--not to mention light splashes against my face as I tried peaking over the bowl to see what all the commotion was.

I couldn't wait for the bathroom to shake with the impact of my golden thunder.

Now, here I am at the tender age of 27, with a cock bigger than two Christmas hams, and--though my stream has respectable width and passes at a considerable rate--the consistency of the pee itself is a bit light-bodied for my taste...it's just too thin to make the splash I'd hoped for by this point in my life.

I've increased the amount of pectin, arrowroot and carrageenan in my diet, which has aided in giving my urine a velvety smooth texture...but not the rich, thick density that I'm really hoping to spank the toilet water with. I guess what I'm looking for is something to augment the viscosity of my pee without sacrificing its astringency.

I'm open to suggestions. I just want results, and I want them now. When I piss, my neighbor needs to hear it over his snowblower. The guy at the urinal next to me needs to know that my stream could cut him in half. Most importantly, without needing to press his ear against the bathroom door, Doug Craven needs to know his baby boy has grown up a man.

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