SWM seeks thickening agent for pee

When I was a boy, the sound of Doug Craven's pee stream was epic. It was loud, powerful, intimidating. It sent shivers down my spine--not to mention light splashes against my face as I tried peaking over the bowl to see what all the commotion was.

I couldn't wait for the bathroom to shake with the impact of my golden thunder.

Now, here I am at the tender age of 27, with a cock bigger than two Christmas hams, and--though my stream has respectable width and passes at a considerable rate--the consistency of the pee itself is a bit light-bodied for my taste...it's just too thin to make the splash I'd hoped for by this point in my life.

I've increased the amount of pectin, arrowroot and carrageenan in my diet, which has aided in giving my urine a velvety smooth texture...but not the rich, thick density that I'm really hoping to spank the toilet water with. I guess what I'm looking for is something to augment the viscosity of my pee without sacrificing its astringency.

I'm open to suggestions. I just want results, and I want them now. When I piss, my neighbor needs to hear it over his snowblower. The guy at the urinal next to me needs to know that my stream could cut him in half. Most importantly, without needing to press his ear against the bathroom door, Doug Craven needs to know his baby boy has grown up a man.