the wipe refusal manifesto

I, Eric Thomas Craven, hereby declare wiping overrated. I'll let all remaining brown moisture residue and goo chunks dry on their own, for they'll eventually crust up and flake off as I walk. This new practice will save me time, effort and a few bucks at the grocery store. I may have discomfort, or perhaps even a rash, but at least I'll have my dignity.

vinegar toes

This is my home-style recipe for vinegar toes:

•First, prepare by neglecting to trim your toenails. The longer they are, the more crud will collect underneath them. This is good for aromatic longevity. Once the growth of distal edge on your big toe has reached half a centimeter, you're ready for the next step.
•DO NOT shower for at least one week. The longer you self-marinate, the more BANG in your tang.
•DO NOT wear socks. This allows you to really soak in spices from the shoe leather. It's also good for color--you want to go for a low to medium yellowish/brownish hue, if possible.
•Aggressive exercise. This will speed up perspiration rate and causes vigorous shoe rubbing, which is good for calluses that lock in natural flavors.

troubleshooting tips:

•For best results - prepare during the hot, muggy month of August.
•If you're not getting the desired fragrance, try one of two things: a) If results are too weak - increase the pungency by walking barefoot across the floor of a public restroom, or locker room, if accessible. b) If results are too strong - try urinating on your feet to neutralize the odor.

If you'd like to refer to an unprecedented example of vinegar toes to further improve your own efforts--hunt me down and remove my shoes for a waft of zestiest batch this season.

let it leak

The menstrual cycle is a miracle of nature; much like a rainbow, the metamorphosis of a butterfly or a catastrophic hurricane. It's truly a marvel. An act of beauty...one that shouldn't be obstructed by a cotton rod or strapless diaper. The blood flow should be worn as a badge of honor, a coagulating symbol of independent womanhood, a crimson trophy.

Ladies, for the love of suffrage, feminism and the ongoing struggle for liberating women the world over...man up and let it leak.

Toilet paper is played out.

I'm replacing my t.p. dispenser with a bowl of wet tongues. Who's with me!!