They may as well fart in my open mouth.

I would rather bathe in Hep A infested diarrhea than continue to sit within breathing distance of any more customers today. They all smell like wet shit splattered on a fat whore's upper thighs after gym class.

I may just keep the doors locked and start exchanging services through the mail slot...

I've been scrubbing dead babies out of the carpet all day.

Yeah, I know they're crawling all over the driveway and it's difficult to step around them at night...but from now on, everyone better start taking their shoes off at the door.

let it leak

The menstrual cycle is a miracle of nature; much like a rainbow, the metamorphosis of a butterfly or a catastrophic hurricane. It's truly a marvel. An act of beauty...one that shouldn't be obstructed by a cotton rod or strapless diaper. The blood flow should be worn as a badge of honor, a coagulating symbol of independent womanhood, a crimson trophy.

Ladies, for the love of suffrage, feminism and the ongoing struggle for liberating women the world over...man up and let it leak.

caramel MOSHiato

Jason Newsted, formerly of Metallica (and tv's "Rock Star Supernova"), came in and bought a coffee from me on Saturday. His drink of choice is a grande Caramel Macchiato with three shots of espresso and an enthusiastic "EXTRA!!!" whipped cream.

His wife was hot. As my eyes locked onto her, I found myself in somewhat of a trance. Enough foam gathered at the corners of my mouth to top every cappuccino for the next four hours. As I managed to break out of my lascivious stare, I caught Mr. Newsted pointing at my name tag. He looked up and told me my name was famous. I blushed as any rising superstar would, and in turn, with triumphant defiance, said nothing of his name.

He knew that I knew. And now he could only assume that I didn't care. "This kid is cooler than a multi-platinum selling artist and international sensation!" No one said that. But everyone eavesdropping on this clash of the titans was thinking it. It was in the air.

Now, I'm not very good at mathematics, but what we have here is a pretty simple equation: Jason was the only one smart enough to jump that sinking ship known as Metallica, making him cooler than the rest of the band members. Essentially, Jason Newsted is cooler than Metallica. Now, we've already established that I'm cooler than Jason Newsted...which only means one thing: I am cooler than Metallica.

I prefer "bigger than Metallica" though...its catchier.

You heard it here first, folks. Invest in a DVD and t-shirt before I'm a household name and considered "played out" by the hipsters.