the proposition

On June 18th of this year, at approximately 10:57 AM, I received the first in a series of emails from a 42 year old Horseheads man that I'm just gonna go ahead and refer to as "Mark". Mark, evident by the title of this piece, offered me quite an interesting proposition...one that unfortunately, due to the intense preproduction details of Son of a Bitch: Part III, I neglected to take him up on. Though our correspondence sadly ended after a just few short hours--I'm hoping he's still out there, waiting, reading...and willing, all the more, to pay me for my services. After all, the holidays are upon us, and I could always use some extra cash.

Now, without further ado...our exchange, in its entirety:

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Mark:
if your that dude from barnes & noble I would love to spank you. would you say you are small, avg, larger than avg., or larger than avg. i'm for real. might even consider $ to watch you fly solo if you know what i mean. need to be discrete.

ETC:
My penis has been mistaken as a monument downtown for years now.

Mark:
LOL Just what I wanted to hear!! I knew you were hung!! If you knew no one would ever know would you show it for cash?

ETC:
Show it how?

Shake my hips and twirl it like a propeller? Slap it against the inside of a urinal and give it a cold shower? Flick the tip purple? Hold it like a gun and give my best impersonation of Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver? Dip it in spoiled mayonaise? Get a paint set from the dollar store and decorate it like a WWII warplane?

I need specifics, Mark.

Mark:
Just show it. Take it out. At a urinal. In a car. Dressing room somewhere. Your call. If you make it hard that would be great. Macy's dressing rooms would work. Just go in and I can look under or somethinig. I'll slide $ in first. can I trust you?

ETC:
My associate (no worries, he lives in Virginia) warns me that I'm walking dickfirst into a rape scenario. That's a little unnerving. I mean, something like that would require at least another five bucks.

Mark:
I'm not into rape scenes. I understand your apprehensive. this is way out of the box. think about it. let me know what works for you. again my 1 priority is privacy. if I had any idea you would tell someone if you see my out and about in public i would rather die than do this. i can't make it myself any clearer.

Mark:
let me explain myself. i'm not a wack job. bit of a pervert... maybe. i'm a professional male here in horseheads and privacy is everything to me. i have to stay on the down low and need to be assured that no one would ever know if we did do something like that. if not.. no problem. i'm gone. won't hear from me again. just willing to pay $ to see what ya got. the more you show the more $$. you have a very unique look and now that i've seen your myspace i can tell personality too. not one to "judge" people it seems. that is why i felt comfortable sending you msg. anyway.. consider it. you don't even have to see me if you don't want. i'm sure that could be worked out. later.

ETC:
Feel free to bring a headscarf and black ski mask, just leave your sword at home.

Mark:
You got it! i'll be generous. the better the show the better the $. it would suck if you had a little p p. a chance i'm willing to take.

Mark:
where is the most unusual place you jerked off?

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Behind the counter of my most recent summer job...during business hours, Mark. To answer your question. The very location I relished our sole, tender discourse...

Coincidence? Most likely. We never had any customers, which made it quite lonely in there. But hey, you never know what was going on deep in my subconscious...

Look me up.

firecrackers

When you put them in a sleeping baby's mouth, it usually wakes up.

shitbag extraordinaire

Yes, this nearly spherical woman (who waddles into Barnes & Noble Café four times a week, always carrying in an unreasonable stack of books she has no intent of purchasing; on average, will sit for six hours, reading as much as she can--as if she were in a library, drinking everyone out of the complimentary water offered at the condiment bar; never puts away the aforementioned books, generally leaves quite a mess behind and rarely leaves until 5 minutes after the store closes) is actually wearing retail eyeglasses--borrowed from a merchandise rack somewhere in the store...complete with sales and security tags almost entirely restricting her field of vision.



It doesn't get any better than this, folks. God bless America.

original fine art: "A High Five for Genocide"

the wipe refusal manifesto

I, Eric Thomas Craven, hereby declare wiping overrated. I'll let all remaining brown moisture residue and goo chunks dry on their own, for they'll eventually crust up and flake off as I walk. This new practice will save me time, effort and a few bucks at the grocery store. I may have discomfort, or perhaps even a rash, but at least I'll have my dignity.