baby on board

Is it just me, or does seeing "baby on board" in the rear windshield of the car ahead of you make you hold down your horn, speed up, tailgate, pass recklessly on a winding double line, break-check and toss all your trash out the window at them??

"Oooo, I have a fucking baby!"

Shut the hell up and get off the road! You have no more rights or privileges than the rest of us! Get that ugly little shit out of your backseat and back on your wife's tit where it belongs!

dies lunæ dēmentia

Some sketchy-ass pile of shit just came into my work ranting and raving about how the bank wouldn't cash her check. She had no intentions of buying anything from me, the only reason I was getting the brunt of her tirade is because she clearly, on hands and knees, came to the realization the sidewalk wasn't listening.

As this stereotypical (fried) hippie went on about the injustice, discrimination and conspiracies of banking, I sat silently, calculating just the right time to cut her off and kick her to the back alley with the other vagrants...but she interrupted herself, nearly screaming--"OH MY GOD ARE YOU OK?!?" I casually said "no, make it stop" while continuing to stare at my laptop as if she wasn't there. "No kidding, you must be in so much pain! That head bandage is covering half your head!"

That was the turning point for me, the almost seemless transition between annoying "customer" and humorous encounter with a nonsensical lunatic. My personal favorite.

Unfortunately though, before I got the chance to play along, she discovered her mistake: "I admire your courage...to sustain a head injury like that and still come to work, that's so...oh, wait, take off your hat. Is that just your hair? Oh."

It wasn't long before she was labias-deep in her diatribe against the bank again, mainly rehashing everything she'd previously said--this time, however, working herself into even more of a psychotic frenzy, pounding her fist on the counter and leaving me with this gem of a parting statement as she exited the building:

"...and earlier today I saw the same teller giving her kid a SODA! Can you fucking believe that?? While his teeth are ROTTING from his skull, she actually gave him a soda!! THAT IS ENDANGERING THE WELFARE OF A CHILD!! You know what? THAT DOES IT!! I am calling the POLICE!!!"

vinegar toes

This is my home-style recipe for vinegar toes:

•First, prepare by neglecting to trim your toenails. The longer they are, the more crud will collect underneath them. This is good for aromatic longevity. Once the growth of distal edge on your big toe has reached half a centimeter, you're ready for the next step.
•DO NOT shower for at least one week. The longer you self-marinate, the more BANG in your tang.
•DO NOT wear socks. This allows you to really soak in spices from the shoe leather. It's also good for color--you want to go for a low to medium yellowish/brownish hue, if possible.
•Aggressive exercise. This will speed up perspiration rate and causes vigorous shoe rubbing, which is good for calluses that lock in natural flavors.

troubleshooting tips:

•For best results - prepare during the hot, muggy month of August.
•If you're not getting the desired fragrance, try one of two things: a) If results are too weak - increase the pungency by walking barefoot across the floor of a public restroom, or locker room, if accessible. b) If results are too strong - try urinating on your feet to neutralize the odor.

If you'd like to refer to an unprecedented example of vinegar toes to further improve your own efforts--hunt me down and remove my shoes for a waft of zestiest batch this season.